Dear Reader,
I used to always give a single reason for why I feel bad about myself. Now I jump from reason to reason trying to consider anything. I eventually just blame it all on myself because I think too much. It's dumb as fuck. I want to feel good about myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to have some pride. But almost every time I turn away from some people I second guess myself and feel like I'm the worst.
fuck fuck fuck, Bard.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
On Guilt
The most irritating distraction that constantly scratches at the backside of my brain. It erodes away at all my free time. When I could be bettering myself but I'm too busy worrying about a mistake that doesn't even matter. My character isn't measured by my mistakes but by my resolve to get things done with no questions asked. But still every single time I have a panic attack I can't help but stop myself from worrying about everything in a dramatic fashion. Such that no one in their right mind would ever want to deal with it. I begin to question my purpose in this world. What a waste of time you know? I could be changing the world with every little action and it would make up for all the mistakes I ever made many times over. But I'll tell you one thing... I'd really like it if StarCraft II were never to have been released... I want my Brood War back.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Changes
Hey everyone, I started listening to Eminem three days ago. I've missed a lot, glad to say it wasn't a mistake to listen to it now. Definitely feel like it will improve my writing here, and my personality out there. I'm interesting in getting more into hip-hop, it seems like it brings nothing but freedom to the mind. I feel like I can respect all cultures now, I just need to dig myself more into it. Have a good night everyone. :)
Monday, October 17, 2011
A little poison for the bitches.
Dear Reader,
Just because you are attractive enough to get a boyfriend does not mean you are entitled to something insane that you think you are. Specifically my Facebook wall is not spared of many girls posting attention whoring statuses about how all the guys they know are assholes even though they don't bother getting to know anyone new because they have pathetic social skills. They are spoiled and act like they're not whores online when I see them walking with arms around some guy that I've even been told is gay. One of my good friends told me that there is a double standard and I told them it doesn't exist. The people that set up these double standards are just bitches.
I want to move on a little and get to the point: I know too many girls who overreact to what is happening. They take everything personally and can't accept people for who they are. I thought girls were good supposed to be good with people for survival? Seems like I'm better with people than a good majority. Have you ever met a girl who threatens to kill themselves or how they talk about ending their life like it is no big deal? That shit pisses me off so bad. That is complete bullshit. They need some help, I remember when I was down on myself because I was a complete shut-in that only ever played real-time strategy games every day for hours. I got depressed, but I never thought that I would ever actually kill myself and I sure as hell would never threaten another person with my suicide to get what I want. I cannot think of anything that would be more cowardly. If your relationship is not a marriage, don't take it so goddamn seriously unless you're engaged. It should never be your entire world, or your entire life.
Nowadays I'm being called an asshole BY OTHER GUYS because I'm willing to publicly stand up for a friend and what I believe on a social networking site. They just think I'm being a dick and getting into other peoples' business when really this whiny girl is controlling my friend with guilt trips and threats of suicide. They tell me that it's none of my business when it sure as hell is none of their business either. I don't fucking care if they are your girlfriend's cousin, you should be telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. No one learns if things were like that.
Sincerely, a disappointed Bard
Just because you are attractive enough to get a boyfriend does not mean you are entitled to something insane that you think you are. Specifically my Facebook wall is not spared of many girls posting attention whoring statuses about how all the guys they know are assholes even though they don't bother getting to know anyone new because they have pathetic social skills. They are spoiled and act like they're not whores online when I see them walking with arms around some guy that I've even been told is gay. One of my good friends told me that there is a double standard and I told them it doesn't exist. The people that set up these double standards are just bitches.
I want to move on a little and get to the point: I know too many girls who overreact to what is happening. They take everything personally and can't accept people for who they are. I thought girls were good supposed to be good with people for survival? Seems like I'm better with people than a good majority. Have you ever met a girl who threatens to kill themselves or how they talk about ending their life like it is no big deal? That shit pisses me off so bad. That is complete bullshit. They need some help, I remember when I was down on myself because I was a complete shut-in that only ever played real-time strategy games every day for hours. I got depressed, but I never thought that I would ever actually kill myself and I sure as hell would never threaten another person with my suicide to get what I want. I cannot think of anything that would be more cowardly. If your relationship is not a marriage, don't take it so goddamn seriously unless you're engaged. It should never be your entire world, or your entire life.
Nowadays I'm being called an asshole BY OTHER GUYS because I'm willing to publicly stand up for a friend and what I believe on a social networking site. They just think I'm being a dick and getting into other peoples' business when really this whiny girl is controlling my friend with guilt trips and threats of suicide. They tell me that it's none of my business when it sure as hell is none of their business either. I don't fucking care if they are your girlfriend's cousin, you should be telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. No one learns if things were like that.
Sincerely, a disappointed Bard
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Anti-Stress
I wrote this in study hall as a note for myself.
Dear Reader,
Take calm deep breaths. Absolutely stop thinking completely, focus on your breathing if it helps you stop your thoughts. Begin to imagine who you want to be, everything exactly how you like and make no excuses for yourself. Don't let your past deny who you want to be. Who you should be. Nothing stands in your way of being how you want to be. No one else controls your thoughts, actions, and passion. No one else controls the emotions you feel. The worst anyone can do is use your time to teach you a lesson, or waste it, but I'm sure you can still learn from that. Get out there and say hi to anyone you want. Tell them what you want them to know, make their day. Make the time count, why would you spend time with someone and not get to see their smile? Ask them what you want to ask them, they will probably tell you, and if they don't? You could easily salvage the situation or maybe it just isn't worth it. Try to appreciate the little things more and with an open mind. How often have you seen a graphic or logo for something? That's a piece of art and it is amazing how important art is on the effect of our lives. Don't bother digging for a deep meaning to everything, sometimes your first intuition is right: Occum's Razor. How about music, or even books? have you ever gotten chills because you felt so amazing while reading a book or listening to a song? I feel those chills every time I nail a guitar solo to one of my favorite songs. Live for the moment and make it count. If you feel down, then fake being happy for a day to be happy for a week. Seize the day and take every healthy opportunity you can. Try something new, learn something new, and definitely meet someone new. Don't forget about the ones closest to you, they may be able to get you out of a rut better than you think. Lastly, think about others from time to time, do something nice and they will really appreciate it. Actions speak louder than words while something nice will flatter them and make their day. Doing something nice will leave them speechless and awestruck.
Sincerely, Bard
Dear Reader,
Take calm deep breaths. Absolutely stop thinking completely, focus on your breathing if it helps you stop your thoughts. Begin to imagine who you want to be, everything exactly how you like and make no excuses for yourself. Don't let your past deny who you want to be. Who you should be. Nothing stands in your way of being how you want to be. No one else controls your thoughts, actions, and passion. No one else controls the emotions you feel. The worst anyone can do is use your time to teach you a lesson, or waste it, but I'm sure you can still learn from that. Get out there and say hi to anyone you want. Tell them what you want them to know, make their day. Make the time count, why would you spend time with someone and not get to see their smile? Ask them what you want to ask them, they will probably tell you, and if they don't? You could easily salvage the situation or maybe it just isn't worth it. Try to appreciate the little things more and with an open mind. How often have you seen a graphic or logo for something? That's a piece of art and it is amazing how important art is on the effect of our lives. Don't bother digging for a deep meaning to everything, sometimes your first intuition is right: Occum's Razor. How about music, or even books? have you ever gotten chills because you felt so amazing while reading a book or listening to a song? I feel those chills every time I nail a guitar solo to one of my favorite songs. Live for the moment and make it count. If you feel down, then fake being happy for a day to be happy for a week. Seize the day and take every healthy opportunity you can. Try something new, learn something new, and definitely meet someone new. Don't forget about the ones closest to you, they may be able to get you out of a rut better than you think. Lastly, think about others from time to time, do something nice and they will really appreciate it. Actions speak louder than words while something nice will flatter them and make their day. Doing something nice will leave them speechless and awestruck.
Sincerely, Bard
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I know people that do this
Dear headfrustration,
My friends almost convince me I'm dating you out of pity. I genuinely like you for who I know you want to be. I'm just saddened that you don't try to do new things. You read books, why wouldn't you like to try new things? Don't you wish your life was a book worth reading? Every time I read a book I want to make my life more and more like the coolest character in that book. You have gotten what you wanted before by pushing for it. Why can't you push for me? Am I not worth putting any effort into? Show some initiative for me. I show a lot of initiative in every aspect of my life. I just wish you would turn your phone on and call me or anything. Talk to me first. What would you do if I just stopped talking to you? Would you start to realize how little you're trying? Or would you think that I just got disinterested? I don't want to do that to you. I don't think you deserve it. I just wish you would fix your priorities. If you're going to act like this around me, don't freak out later when things aren't as comfortable as you would like because you didn't take action for what you wanted sooner.
Sincerely, an overreacting Bard
My friends almost convince me I'm dating you out of pity. I genuinely like you for who I know you want to be. I'm just saddened that you don't try to do new things. You read books, why wouldn't you like to try new things? Don't you wish your life was a book worth reading? Every time I read a book I want to make my life more and more like the coolest character in that book. You have gotten what you wanted before by pushing for it. Why can't you push for me? Am I not worth putting any effort into? Show some initiative for me. I show a lot of initiative in every aspect of my life. I just wish you would turn your phone on and call me or anything. Talk to me first. What would you do if I just stopped talking to you? Would you start to realize how little you're trying? Or would you think that I just got disinterested? I don't want to do that to you. I don't think you deserve it. I just wish you would fix your priorities. If you're going to act like this around me, don't freak out later when things aren't as comfortable as you would like because you didn't take action for what you wanted sooner.
Sincerely, an overreacting Bard
Sunday, September 25, 2011
From a letter, about an experience of mine
Dear Reader,
Last night I had a repeated dream. It is a nightmare about a house not too far from where I live that has had murders and suicides, and even more terrible things that had occurred in the basement. The problem with this house is that I'm almost convinced it is real even though I completely forgot where exactly its located. The front of the home has a yard that is a normal height for a yard with a hill. The paths that lead into the house drop down three feet below the grass and are cement paths. They branch out and make a window shape. As soon as you enter this shape the world starts transforming and your brain starts becoming infected. The sky tints red. You hear roars and screams at random intervals and the lit portion of the moon appears to be the color of smoldering lava. If you overstay your welcome, you will go insane and likely die. I also think my brother is familiar with this dream because you can only have it if you have been to the house. In this particular version of this dream, I was walking with Alex and my new friend Heather. She obliviously tries to cut through the yard and no matter how much i preached about my bravery and courage to you before, I stayed put. Alex went in and pulled her out and we ran to my house to wait out the infection to our minds. After waking up I figure this house doesn't exist but I also feel like my brother is the only reason I know because he used to play around it when these things first started happening at it. I've had this dream at least three times while I've been in high school and it only happens when I sleep in.
Now I'll tell you the original story I thought that my brother taught me long ago about this house. It has always looked exactly how I described, the front yard being the most important. One outside entrance to the basement is a barred with a gate while the normal door inside is missing. My brother originally used to play with his friends at this house and mess around. Ten years ago when my brother was fifteen, they were playing at the house and something happened to a girl, one of his friends, and they went missing inside the house and never came out. She was apparently killed, and I don't know who this friend was. I was just always told never to go near the house and never to ask anything about the house. I was never told the details because I was only eight when this first happened. Ever since then, walking near or sometimes around the house while thinking anything of it starts up the infection in your mind. It has this sense of knowing when you think of it, when I was younger I used to find it hard to write or mention anything about it to anyone as its infection would start in my mind as soon as I started thinking about it.
Sincerely, Bard
I might post more about it if I rediscover the location of this house, but as of right now, I feel like it has disappeared from my world and has only been a figment of my imagination.
Last night I had a repeated dream. It is a nightmare about a house not too far from where I live that has had murders and suicides, and even more terrible things that had occurred in the basement. The problem with this house is that I'm almost convinced it is real even though I completely forgot where exactly its located. The front of the home has a yard that is a normal height for a yard with a hill. The paths that lead into the house drop down three feet below the grass and are cement paths. They branch out and make a window shape. As soon as you enter this shape the world starts transforming and your brain starts becoming infected. The sky tints red. You hear roars and screams at random intervals and the lit portion of the moon appears to be the color of smoldering lava. If you overstay your welcome, you will go insane and likely die. I also think my brother is familiar with this dream because you can only have it if you have been to the house. In this particular version of this dream, I was walking with Alex and my new friend Heather. She obliviously tries to cut through the yard and no matter how much i preached about my bravery and courage to you before, I stayed put. Alex went in and pulled her out and we ran to my house to wait out the infection to our minds. After waking up I figure this house doesn't exist but I also feel like my brother is the only reason I know because he used to play around it when these things first started happening at it. I've had this dream at least three times while I've been in high school and it only happens when I sleep in.
Now I'll tell you the original story I thought that my brother taught me long ago about this house. It has always looked exactly how I described, the front yard being the most important. One outside entrance to the basement is a barred with a gate while the normal door inside is missing. My brother originally used to play with his friends at this house and mess around. Ten years ago when my brother was fifteen, they were playing at the house and something happened to a girl, one of his friends, and they went missing inside the house and never came out. She was apparently killed, and I don't know who this friend was. I was just always told never to go near the house and never to ask anything about the house. I was never told the details because I was only eight when this first happened. Ever since then, walking near or sometimes around the house while thinking anything of it starts up the infection in your mind. It has this sense of knowing when you think of it, when I was younger I used to find it hard to write or mention anything about it to anyone as its infection would start in my mind as soon as I started thinking about it.
Sincerely, Bard
I might post more about it if I rediscover the location of this house, but as of right now, I feel like it has disappeared from my world and has only been a figment of my imagination.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)