Dear Reader,
I want to start off by saying I'm very unsatisfied with the person I've been in my past. Many of my last blogs suck total dick and disappoint me. I really try hard to be a very well rounded person. I take interest in hundreds of amazing things in life. Many would tell me that's too many. A lot of people tell me not to try and appease others and to just be myself, even if it is at the cost of the respect of my peers. I do not wish to lose their respect, I don't want them to stop criticizing me and giving me a challenge. I love the challenge. But I want an honorable friend that respects me just as much as I respect them. I am the same person to every single person I meet. I tell them the straight up truth or at least imply it. But I also know when to a respect a person for their good qualities. I'm disappointed in some of my close friends because they occasionally make me snap. I get depressed, I lose myself, and all of my beliefs. I can never be pure. I become weak, and blame others, blame my past, and blame the system. I hate it when I do that. It's so disrespectful to all the effort of everyone else. I should be proud of myself to a point, but if someone criticizing my actions, they can, and they will. I should not let it bother me, and there are no excuses. I only have one thing to say. If you're going to give me hell, why don't you show me a little respect in the manner of praise, pride, and respect in who I am as a person? I get it from no one, not even my parents. So for every five times you give me shit and piss me off, you should tell me OR at least fucking show me how much you appreciate our friendship. At least then I can rest and ultimately stop over thinking everything. I've said it before, honesty is my policy and honestly, I appreciate almost all of my friends. I just wish I didn't turn into such a bitch that complains to all of you when I feel really disrespected. Thanks for reading.
Sincerely, Bard
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
By Myself
Dear Reader,
I used to always give a single reason for why I feel bad about myself. Now I jump from reason to reason trying to consider anything. I eventually just blame it all on myself because I think too much. It's dumb as fuck. I want to feel good about myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to have some pride. But almost every time I turn away from some people I second guess myself and feel like I'm the worst.
fuck fuck fuck, Bard.
I used to always give a single reason for why I feel bad about myself. Now I jump from reason to reason trying to consider anything. I eventually just blame it all on myself because I think too much. It's dumb as fuck. I want to feel good about myself. I want to believe in myself. I want to have some pride. But almost every time I turn away from some people I second guess myself and feel like I'm the worst.
fuck fuck fuck, Bard.
Monday, November 7, 2011
On Guilt
The most irritating distraction that constantly scratches at the backside of my brain. It erodes away at all my free time. When I could be bettering myself but I'm too busy worrying about a mistake that doesn't even matter. My character isn't measured by my mistakes but by my resolve to get things done with no questions asked. But still every single time I have a panic attack I can't help but stop myself from worrying about everything in a dramatic fashion. Such that no one in their right mind would ever want to deal with it. I begin to question my purpose in this world. What a waste of time you know? I could be changing the world with every little action and it would make up for all the mistakes I ever made many times over. But I'll tell you one thing... I'd really like it if StarCraft II were never to have been released... I want my Brood War back.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Changes
Hey everyone, I started listening to Eminem three days ago. I've missed a lot, glad to say it wasn't a mistake to listen to it now. Definitely feel like it will improve my writing here, and my personality out there. I'm interesting in getting more into hip-hop, it seems like it brings nothing but freedom to the mind. I feel like I can respect all cultures now, I just need to dig myself more into it. Have a good night everyone. :)
Monday, October 17, 2011
A little poison for the bitches.
Dear Reader,
Just because you are attractive enough to get a boyfriend does not mean you are entitled to something insane that you think you are. Specifically my Facebook wall is not spared of many girls posting attention whoring statuses about how all the guys they know are assholes even though they don't bother getting to know anyone new because they have pathetic social skills. They are spoiled and act like they're not whores online when I see them walking with arms around some guy that I've even been told is gay. One of my good friends told me that there is a double standard and I told them it doesn't exist. The people that set up these double standards are just bitches.
I want to move on a little and get to the point: I know too many girls who overreact to what is happening. They take everything personally and can't accept people for who they are. I thought girls were good supposed to be good with people for survival? Seems like I'm better with people than a good majority. Have you ever met a girl who threatens to kill themselves or how they talk about ending their life like it is no big deal? That shit pisses me off so bad. That is complete bullshit. They need some help, I remember when I was down on myself because I was a complete shut-in that only ever played real-time strategy games every day for hours. I got depressed, but I never thought that I would ever actually kill myself and I sure as hell would never threaten another person with my suicide to get what I want. I cannot think of anything that would be more cowardly. If your relationship is not a marriage, don't take it so goddamn seriously unless you're engaged. It should never be your entire world, or your entire life.
Nowadays I'm being called an asshole BY OTHER GUYS because I'm willing to publicly stand up for a friend and what I believe on a social networking site. They just think I'm being a dick and getting into other peoples' business when really this whiny girl is controlling my friend with guilt trips and threats of suicide. They tell me that it's none of my business when it sure as hell is none of their business either. I don't fucking care if they are your girlfriend's cousin, you should be telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. No one learns if things were like that.
Sincerely, a disappointed Bard
Just because you are attractive enough to get a boyfriend does not mean you are entitled to something insane that you think you are. Specifically my Facebook wall is not spared of many girls posting attention whoring statuses about how all the guys they know are assholes even though they don't bother getting to know anyone new because they have pathetic social skills. They are spoiled and act like they're not whores online when I see them walking with arms around some guy that I've even been told is gay. One of my good friends told me that there is a double standard and I told them it doesn't exist. The people that set up these double standards are just bitches.
I want to move on a little and get to the point: I know too many girls who overreact to what is happening. They take everything personally and can't accept people for who they are. I thought girls were good supposed to be good with people for survival? Seems like I'm better with people than a good majority. Have you ever met a girl who threatens to kill themselves or how they talk about ending their life like it is no big deal? That shit pisses me off so bad. That is complete bullshit. They need some help, I remember when I was down on myself because I was a complete shut-in that only ever played real-time strategy games every day for hours. I got depressed, but I never thought that I would ever actually kill myself and I sure as hell would never threaten another person with my suicide to get what I want. I cannot think of anything that would be more cowardly. If your relationship is not a marriage, don't take it so goddamn seriously unless you're engaged. It should never be your entire world, or your entire life.
Nowadays I'm being called an asshole BY OTHER GUYS because I'm willing to publicly stand up for a friend and what I believe on a social networking site. They just think I'm being a dick and getting into other peoples' business when really this whiny girl is controlling my friend with guilt trips and threats of suicide. They tell me that it's none of my business when it sure as hell is none of their business either. I don't fucking care if they are your girlfriend's cousin, you should be telling them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. No one learns if things were like that.
Sincerely, a disappointed Bard
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Anti-Stress
I wrote this in study hall as a note for myself.
Dear Reader,
Take calm deep breaths. Absolutely stop thinking completely, focus on your breathing if it helps you stop your thoughts. Begin to imagine who you want to be, everything exactly how you like and make no excuses for yourself. Don't let your past deny who you want to be. Who you should be. Nothing stands in your way of being how you want to be. No one else controls your thoughts, actions, and passion. No one else controls the emotions you feel. The worst anyone can do is use your time to teach you a lesson, or waste it, but I'm sure you can still learn from that. Get out there and say hi to anyone you want. Tell them what you want them to know, make their day. Make the time count, why would you spend time with someone and not get to see their smile? Ask them what you want to ask them, they will probably tell you, and if they don't? You could easily salvage the situation or maybe it just isn't worth it. Try to appreciate the little things more and with an open mind. How often have you seen a graphic or logo for something? That's a piece of art and it is amazing how important art is on the effect of our lives. Don't bother digging for a deep meaning to everything, sometimes your first intuition is right: Occum's Razor. How about music, or even books? have you ever gotten chills because you felt so amazing while reading a book or listening to a song? I feel those chills every time I nail a guitar solo to one of my favorite songs. Live for the moment and make it count. If you feel down, then fake being happy for a day to be happy for a week. Seize the day and take every healthy opportunity you can. Try something new, learn something new, and definitely meet someone new. Don't forget about the ones closest to you, they may be able to get you out of a rut better than you think. Lastly, think about others from time to time, do something nice and they will really appreciate it. Actions speak louder than words while something nice will flatter them and make their day. Doing something nice will leave them speechless and awestruck.
Sincerely, Bard
Dear Reader,
Take calm deep breaths. Absolutely stop thinking completely, focus on your breathing if it helps you stop your thoughts. Begin to imagine who you want to be, everything exactly how you like and make no excuses for yourself. Don't let your past deny who you want to be. Who you should be. Nothing stands in your way of being how you want to be. No one else controls your thoughts, actions, and passion. No one else controls the emotions you feel. The worst anyone can do is use your time to teach you a lesson, or waste it, but I'm sure you can still learn from that. Get out there and say hi to anyone you want. Tell them what you want them to know, make their day. Make the time count, why would you spend time with someone and not get to see their smile? Ask them what you want to ask them, they will probably tell you, and if they don't? You could easily salvage the situation or maybe it just isn't worth it. Try to appreciate the little things more and with an open mind. How often have you seen a graphic or logo for something? That's a piece of art and it is amazing how important art is on the effect of our lives. Don't bother digging for a deep meaning to everything, sometimes your first intuition is right: Occum's Razor. How about music, or even books? have you ever gotten chills because you felt so amazing while reading a book or listening to a song? I feel those chills every time I nail a guitar solo to one of my favorite songs. Live for the moment and make it count. If you feel down, then fake being happy for a day to be happy for a week. Seize the day and take every healthy opportunity you can. Try something new, learn something new, and definitely meet someone new. Don't forget about the ones closest to you, they may be able to get you out of a rut better than you think. Lastly, think about others from time to time, do something nice and they will really appreciate it. Actions speak louder than words while something nice will flatter them and make their day. Doing something nice will leave them speechless and awestruck.
Sincerely, Bard
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I know people that do this
Dear headfrustration,
My friends almost convince me I'm dating you out of pity. I genuinely like you for who I know you want to be. I'm just saddened that you don't try to do new things. You read books, why wouldn't you like to try new things? Don't you wish your life was a book worth reading? Every time I read a book I want to make my life more and more like the coolest character in that book. You have gotten what you wanted before by pushing for it. Why can't you push for me? Am I not worth putting any effort into? Show some initiative for me. I show a lot of initiative in every aspect of my life. I just wish you would turn your phone on and call me or anything. Talk to me first. What would you do if I just stopped talking to you? Would you start to realize how little you're trying? Or would you think that I just got disinterested? I don't want to do that to you. I don't think you deserve it. I just wish you would fix your priorities. If you're going to act like this around me, don't freak out later when things aren't as comfortable as you would like because you didn't take action for what you wanted sooner.
Sincerely, an overreacting Bard
My friends almost convince me I'm dating you out of pity. I genuinely like you for who I know you want to be. I'm just saddened that you don't try to do new things. You read books, why wouldn't you like to try new things? Don't you wish your life was a book worth reading? Every time I read a book I want to make my life more and more like the coolest character in that book. You have gotten what you wanted before by pushing for it. Why can't you push for me? Am I not worth putting any effort into? Show some initiative for me. I show a lot of initiative in every aspect of my life. I just wish you would turn your phone on and call me or anything. Talk to me first. What would you do if I just stopped talking to you? Would you start to realize how little you're trying? Or would you think that I just got disinterested? I don't want to do that to you. I don't think you deserve it. I just wish you would fix your priorities. If you're going to act like this around me, don't freak out later when things aren't as comfortable as you would like because you didn't take action for what you wanted sooner.
Sincerely, an overreacting Bard
Sunday, September 25, 2011
From a letter, about an experience of mine
Dear Reader,
Last night I had a repeated dream. It is a nightmare about a house not too far from where I live that has had murders and suicides, and even more terrible things that had occurred in the basement. The problem with this house is that I'm almost convinced it is real even though I completely forgot where exactly its located. The front of the home has a yard that is a normal height for a yard with a hill. The paths that lead into the house drop down three feet below the grass and are cement paths. They branch out and make a window shape. As soon as you enter this shape the world starts transforming and your brain starts becoming infected. The sky tints red. You hear roars and screams at random intervals and the lit portion of the moon appears to be the color of smoldering lava. If you overstay your welcome, you will go insane and likely die. I also think my brother is familiar with this dream because you can only have it if you have been to the house. In this particular version of this dream, I was walking with Alex and my new friend Heather. She obliviously tries to cut through the yard and no matter how much i preached about my bravery and courage to you before, I stayed put. Alex went in and pulled her out and we ran to my house to wait out the infection to our minds. After waking up I figure this house doesn't exist but I also feel like my brother is the only reason I know because he used to play around it when these things first started happening at it. I've had this dream at least three times while I've been in high school and it only happens when I sleep in.
Now I'll tell you the original story I thought that my brother taught me long ago about this house. It has always looked exactly how I described, the front yard being the most important. One outside entrance to the basement is a barred with a gate while the normal door inside is missing. My brother originally used to play with his friends at this house and mess around. Ten years ago when my brother was fifteen, they were playing at the house and something happened to a girl, one of his friends, and they went missing inside the house and never came out. She was apparently killed, and I don't know who this friend was. I was just always told never to go near the house and never to ask anything about the house. I was never told the details because I was only eight when this first happened. Ever since then, walking near or sometimes around the house while thinking anything of it starts up the infection in your mind. It has this sense of knowing when you think of it, when I was younger I used to find it hard to write or mention anything about it to anyone as its infection would start in my mind as soon as I started thinking about it.
Sincerely, Bard
I might post more about it if I rediscover the location of this house, but as of right now, I feel like it has disappeared from my world and has only been a figment of my imagination.
Last night I had a repeated dream. It is a nightmare about a house not too far from where I live that has had murders and suicides, and even more terrible things that had occurred in the basement. The problem with this house is that I'm almost convinced it is real even though I completely forgot where exactly its located. The front of the home has a yard that is a normal height for a yard with a hill. The paths that lead into the house drop down three feet below the grass and are cement paths. They branch out and make a window shape. As soon as you enter this shape the world starts transforming and your brain starts becoming infected. The sky tints red. You hear roars and screams at random intervals and the lit portion of the moon appears to be the color of smoldering lava. If you overstay your welcome, you will go insane and likely die. I also think my brother is familiar with this dream because you can only have it if you have been to the house. In this particular version of this dream, I was walking with Alex and my new friend Heather. She obliviously tries to cut through the yard and no matter how much i preached about my bravery and courage to you before, I stayed put. Alex went in and pulled her out and we ran to my house to wait out the infection to our minds. After waking up I figure this house doesn't exist but I also feel like my brother is the only reason I know because he used to play around it when these things first started happening at it. I've had this dream at least three times while I've been in high school and it only happens when I sleep in.
Now I'll tell you the original story I thought that my brother taught me long ago about this house. It has always looked exactly how I described, the front yard being the most important. One outside entrance to the basement is a barred with a gate while the normal door inside is missing. My brother originally used to play with his friends at this house and mess around. Ten years ago when my brother was fifteen, they were playing at the house and something happened to a girl, one of his friends, and they went missing inside the house and never came out. She was apparently killed, and I don't know who this friend was. I was just always told never to go near the house and never to ask anything about the house. I was never told the details because I was only eight when this first happened. Ever since then, walking near or sometimes around the house while thinking anything of it starts up the infection in your mind. It has this sense of knowing when you think of it, when I was younger I used to find it hard to write or mention anything about it to anyone as its infection would start in my mind as soon as I started thinking about it.
Sincerely, Bard
I might post more about it if I rediscover the location of this house, but as of right now, I feel like it has disappeared from my world and has only been a figment of my imagination.
Monday, September 19, 2011
My buddy
I've been meaning to make this post for a few days.
Dear reader,
I want to tell you all about my pal Tyler. He's a fucking boss and he's helped me out a lot these past few months. I owe him a shit ton because he's the reason I'm able to live my life with no fucks given. I think he's a genius that barely tries any harder than he has to. If he wanted to he could reinvent the wheel and fire at the same goddamn time. His writing is creative and passionate and he is always himself and never fakes. This guy is always honest with me and never bullshits me. He's a bro that I can actually connect with and I won't ever regret meeting him ever.
Sincerely,
Bard
Dear reader,
I want to tell you all about my pal Tyler. He's a fucking boss and he's helped me out a lot these past few months. I owe him a shit ton because he's the reason I'm able to live my life with no fucks given. I think he's a genius that barely tries any harder than he has to. If he wanted to he could reinvent the wheel and fire at the same goddamn time. His writing is creative and passionate and he is always himself and never fakes. This guy is always honest with me and never bullshits me. He's a bro that I can actually connect with and I won't ever regret meeting him ever.
Sincerely,
Bard
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
My Homecoming king campaign speech
I wrote this today in class during a opinionated discussion of homecoming king and queen as well as the more mainstream miss america and the like.
Dear Reader,
Homecoming king and queen is an interesting topic since I'm going to be king. Everyone is going to vote for me because I'm so full of myself with humbleness. It's a competition. Like all competitions, the one who is best at what is important wins. Looks, charm, Humour, cleverness, and helping others. If I'm friends with everyone through sheer pure awesomeness and get all the votes then I very obviously have skills. Very important skills to survival.
Sincerely, Bard
I read this out loud to my class and got a lot of laughs. It made me smile and I thought that maybe I have some potential in writing or something.
Dear Reader,
Homecoming king and queen is an interesting topic since I'm going to be king. Everyone is going to vote for me because I'm so full of myself with humbleness. It's a competition. Like all competitions, the one who is best at what is important wins. Looks, charm, Humour, cleverness, and helping others. If I'm friends with everyone through sheer pure awesomeness and get all the votes then I very obviously have skills. Very important skills to survival.
Sincerely, Bard
I read this out loud to my class and got a lot of laughs. It made me smile and I thought that maybe I have some potential in writing or something.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
The first week.
This will be my first post. The purpose of this blog is to highlight my feelings of when I'm feeling upset. I tend to overreact too much to things that are no big deal and that's where I get the title of this blog.
Dear reader,
Today is the Sunday after my first week of senior year in high school. Before the week began was the first time I've ever been excited and optimistic about school. I always used to be the kind of person that never looked forward to going to school and would always avoid dealing with people. Now I'm the exact opposite, but there's still a problem: I still suck at dealing with people.
My first day was significantly different from the rest during the week. I was completely oblivious as to the attitudes of other kids that day. I never even considered what they were thinking. Many seemed to be in their serious modes. I was completely optimistic and ready to conquer the school with a strong positive attitude. I realized this day was different because of how my interaction with Kayla was. The first day I really had a lot of material to work with and I talked to her like she was one of my best friends. The problem was that the rest of the week my enthusiasm talking to this girl really died down and I really don't understand why. I want that vibe back that we first had, it was really fun, I assume she misses it too. I don't know how I did it. How do you get that best friends feel, especially with girls?
My government class placed me in an interesting position near Abby, who I originally met in 8th grade. I've never had a good reputation in front of this girl but I found that it was really easy for me to talk to her. I'd say it was an extremely meh experience though. The most important part was the last day where we were to group up and work on assignment. For some damned reason she decided to belt out that she wanted to work with "someone smart." I honestly think this is a really stupid thing to ask for but I took it as an excuse to attempt to group with her. Why not? I'd get the assignment done regardless of whether I worked with a friend or someone I didn't know. I wanted to take this as an opportunity to work with someone I barely knew. Hilariously she tried to sit with my much more attractive friend Gentara, whom just exists. Unfortunately for her, my other friend Endow nabbed him before she could get up and make an excuse not work with me. She nervously said she would just work with Jeremy's keeper, a guy she's known for years. I don't know what was so inconvenient to her about working with me, we sit right next to each other and I have a smile on my face. This pretty much made the day for all of my friends. I figure I'd write her off as not worth the effort, what do you think?
I went to the first home football game and really enjoyed the first half, and met some cool new people. I was ignoring all the downers and conversations that didn't include me and was doing what I wanted. After half time the band went on break for third quarter and got drinks and snacks. This is when I spent time talking to them. I don't know if you have ever seen a girl wave at you and say "I'm hyper!" with a big smile on her face. I hadn't seen this for a while so I just took this as an invitation to try something new. I decided to get up and say "I know a cure for hyperness!" "How about a hug?" I don't think this was taken very well and maybe she wasn't that type of person but I got called out on it by one of my good friends. It made me freeze up and feel terrible for the rest of the game. Something so silly, and so simple. I just didn't have anything to say to anyone for the remainder of the game. I figure that's an overreaction to something that really isn't that big of a deal. I want to know how I'm supposed to overcome those feelings and get my enthusiasm and optimism back in just a matter of 5 minutes tops.
Sincerely, Bard.
Dear reader,
Today is the Sunday after my first week of senior year in high school. Before the week began was the first time I've ever been excited and optimistic about school. I always used to be the kind of person that never looked forward to going to school and would always avoid dealing with people. Now I'm the exact opposite, but there's still a problem: I still suck at dealing with people.
My first day was significantly different from the rest during the week. I was completely oblivious as to the attitudes of other kids that day. I never even considered what they were thinking. Many seemed to be in their serious modes. I was completely optimistic and ready to conquer the school with a strong positive attitude. I realized this day was different because of how my interaction with Kayla was. The first day I really had a lot of material to work with and I talked to her like she was one of my best friends. The problem was that the rest of the week my enthusiasm talking to this girl really died down and I really don't understand why. I want that vibe back that we first had, it was really fun, I assume she misses it too. I don't know how I did it. How do you get that best friends feel, especially with girls?
My government class placed me in an interesting position near Abby, who I originally met in 8th grade. I've never had a good reputation in front of this girl but I found that it was really easy for me to talk to her. I'd say it was an extremely meh experience though. The most important part was the last day where we were to group up and work on assignment. For some damned reason she decided to belt out that she wanted to work with "someone smart." I honestly think this is a really stupid thing to ask for but I took it as an excuse to attempt to group with her. Why not? I'd get the assignment done regardless of whether I worked with a friend or someone I didn't know. I wanted to take this as an opportunity to work with someone I barely knew. Hilariously she tried to sit with my much more attractive friend Gentara, whom just exists. Unfortunately for her, my other friend Endow nabbed him before she could get up and make an excuse not work with me. She nervously said she would just work with Jeremy's keeper, a guy she's known for years. I don't know what was so inconvenient to her about working with me, we sit right next to each other and I have a smile on my face. This pretty much made the day for all of my friends. I figure I'd write her off as not worth the effort, what do you think?
I went to the first home football game and really enjoyed the first half, and met some cool new people. I was ignoring all the downers and conversations that didn't include me and was doing what I wanted. After half time the band went on break for third quarter and got drinks and snacks. This is when I spent time talking to them. I don't know if you have ever seen a girl wave at you and say "I'm hyper!" with a big smile on her face. I hadn't seen this for a while so I just took this as an invitation to try something new. I decided to get up and say "I know a cure for hyperness!" "How about a hug?" I don't think this was taken very well and maybe she wasn't that type of person but I got called out on it by one of my good friends. It made me freeze up and feel terrible for the rest of the game. Something so silly, and so simple. I just didn't have anything to say to anyone for the remainder of the game. I figure that's an overreaction to something that really isn't that big of a deal. I want to know how I'm supposed to overcome those feelings and get my enthusiasm and optimism back in just a matter of 5 minutes tops.
Sincerely, Bard.
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